SelfeXpress 6

from top of a dream, u see what reality is, it is heartbreaking, discouraging and dissapointing.

SelfXpress 5

I am after all just two days away from a midterm and do i feel like to study? I still dont feel like i am complete. I have seen that short animation before the Incredibles and the theme of its story was quiet familiar, though one should be a guru to stay connected to infinity all the time. People who beleive in god would be happy all the time, if it were possible and Suat would have never done that :)

I love my soul with a little drop of poison.

SelfXpress 4

Sometimes two different worries in your mind unites and create a trouble for you, a temporary handicap for the mind, intense sadness, like someone pushing on your chest and not letting you get up from the ground you lie on. They are defeatble when they come up seperately, but when they combine like two innocent chemicals producing a poisonous compound, they knock you down. Exactly like chemicals, unless you accept that, you can keep on searching for why you feel that bad, even though the causes seem to be relatively much less disturbing.

I am afraid of becoming bald, i hope i dont, i am even afraid of writing about it, that didnt shoot me down alone i guess, they ve got me when i also start to worry about IV. But then that one has left my mind, somehow my worry has gone again. Giving me the chance to stand up again. Still the first one hanging through my mind like HIV which cant kill you by itself.

bu-gunluk

bugun gorece iyi bir gundu, yarina fazla is birakmadim gibi ama proje ve midterm icin calismaya baslamam lazim artik. simdiye kadar ozellikle midterm icin hic bir sey yapmadim. calculus kismi biraz zorluyor, integralleri filan unutmusum. free-tutoring diye bir uygulama var belki ondan yararlanabilirim ama onun icin biraz gec kaldim herhalde, yani bu sinav icin. bugun okulda international ogrencilerin gunuydu, hintlilerin bizim helvaya benzeyen bir tatlisindan yedim, bir de patatesli birsey daha.. guzeldi. iv.'yi gordum gun bitmesine yakin, iyi geldi sanki, iyi davrandi, filan, bu sefer benim tavrim biraz fazla soguk kacti ama.. artik oyle fazla dusunmuyorum zaten, beklentim de azaldi, yani bir sey beklemiyorum su an, sadece engel olamadigim biraz umudum var o kadar. yine de adini baskalarindan pek duymasam iyi olur, sinif arkadaslarimdan biri onunla ayni ofiste calisiyor, bir de onlarin yaninda takilan 18 yasinda bir cocuk var, o da takinti yapmis mi ne yapmissa iv'yi, surekli adi geciyor aralarinda, sagir mi saniyorlar anlamadim. benim yanimda kendi dillerinde konusurken adi gecince, onca kelimenin ve aksanin arasinda gul gibi secildigini anlamiyorlar ya da umursamiyorlar.. meraklanacagimi dusunmuyorlar .. hala ismi gecince sarsiyor.. zamanla bu da gecer herhalde..

Translation

Today I have noticed that living away from nature has an important role in not getting out of a depression. This city does not end, i have travellen on all 3 directions as far asa i could, but it didnt end. I have seen other no-end cities but this one keeps on repeating itself, it is all the same where ever you go. Istanbul was not like that, all her pieces were different from each other. The only direction that city ends is the north, where we have got the Lake Erie coast. I ve been there once, it was boring, like the coast of Izmir where i hated it when i was there. But the lakes are most of the time more boring, when you go down to the coast you feel the boredom that blows from the lake, knowing that it is not endless like a sea, not opening to anywhere but instead surrounded by the land. Its not happy, all that water filling it, away from the rest of the water on earth, and it whispers its despair to you, painting your heart gray.

Only knowing that there is another world out of your chamber you feel squeezed in, is not enough, you have to feel it to recover. The nature helps you on that, she is so strong and owerful and big that if you can feel that you are a part of it and she will exist forever even if you dont, that gives you the poer to stand up, and stand against. Actually the nature is spread out into the city but it is so weak under human control, you cant feel its power, you have to see it where it is free.

I feel like i can not hit that refresh button in me, or hit it but face with a message saying i am not connected to the infinity. I am trying to open a door out of my chamber, maybe i should start to watch TV again, or read a book and try to hear the voice of someone from the outter world.

Sometimes i even dont feel excited at all, even i know that the project i am working on with my friend has got the power of changing the world (and making us rich maybe:) i hardly get excited about it. Though it is one of the few things that keeps me standing on not my feet but knees at least. I have already diagnosed my ilness, phsycological hemophile, once i ve got injured even the wound is as tiny as a pin wound, it doesnt stop bleeding, it becomes fatal for me. Even the weakest wind pushes me off the rope i walk on. Maybe i should learn not looking down into the ground, if it is not too late to learn that.

SelfXpress-3

Turkish Xpress

Bugun farkettim ki dogadan uzak olmanin onemli bir rolu var bunaltidan cikamamakta. Sehir bitmiyor, uc yonde de gidebilecegim kadar gittim ama sehir bitmedi, daha once de bitmeyen sehirler gordum ama bu sanki surekli kendini tekrar ederek genisliyor, her yer ayni. Istanbul, oyle degildi, her parcasi ayriydi birbirinden. Tek bittigi yer olan kuzeydeki Lake Erie'nin kiyisina da bir kere gittim ama pek icacici bir manzara yok, SIKICI bir sahil, Izmir'in kordonu gibi, goller bir de daha SIKICI oluyor her zaman, yanina gidince sanki ucunu gormesen de bir yerde bittigini, buyuk denizlere acilamadigini bildiginden icin SIKILIYOR. Onca suyun kocaman bir kitanin ortasinda kisilip kalmisligi yuregini daraltiyor senin de.

Disarda, icinde kisilmis hissetigin cemberin disinda bir seylerin var oldugunu bilsen de hissetmeden olmuyor, hissetmeden kendini toparlayamiyorsun, doga iste bunun icin bazen gerekiyor, oyle buyuk ve oyle guclu ki, eger bunu hissedebilirsen sanki sirtini sonsuzluga dayamis gibi huzur buluyorsun, sen olmasan da onun olacagini ve senin onun bir parcasi oldugunu duyabilirsen, zamanin akisinda suruklenmekten kurtulup kendine bir yon verecek gucun oluyor. Doga aslinda sehrin icine serpilmis orada duruyor ama onun gucunu hissedecegin yer cogu zaman, bagimsizca var oldugu yerler. Insan kontrolunun disinda.

Sanki refresh butonuna bir turlu basamiyorum, ya da basiyorum calismiyor, sonsuzlukla baglantiniz kopuk mesaji veriyor. Bir yerde bir kapi acmaya calisiyorum cemberin disina, tv mu izlesem yeniden, ya da belki bir kitap okumaliyim, baska birisinin sesini duymaliyim, baska dunyadan birinin.

Bazen heyecanlanamiyorum bile, yani belki mertle calistigimiz proje dunyayi degistirecek guctedir :) ama onun heyecanini bile duymakta zorlaniyorum, yine de benim ayakta olmasa da dizlerim ustunde durmami saglayan bir kac seyden biri, inanamiyorum bu kadar hizli degistigine modumun, bir kac hafta onceye kiyasla.. Ruhsal hemofili teshisini koymustum kendime gerci cok onceden, bir toplu igne batip kanatsa bile bu benim icin tehlikeli oluyor, kan akisi cok zor duruyor, sanki ip ustunde yuruyorum mutlu, huzurlu oldugum zamanlarda, ruzgar bile beni yere dusuruyor, belki asagi bakmamayi ogrenmem lazim, hala ogrenilebilirse.

SelfXpress-2

I feel like to talk about it, i feel like to talk about other things, everything. I feel like to hug her and not talk at all. I want a door to another world in the shape of that girl.

New Express Announcement!

SelfXpress Series

The Ze.'s Inc. proudly announces a new express on the railweb. Due to the immense demand for a "self express", we have added this fast line that connects the inner and the outer worlds. It will be available starting from NovAmber 13th. Passengers safety is as usual not guaranteed in this line, too. The schedule is also flexible with its by nature passenger dependency, it takes of as soon as you arrive. The route and the arriving point may vary during time coherent with the kaotic moves of the outer and the inner worlds. The arriving point also may vary from passenger to passenger.

T.rain Crew:

Operator: None
T.rain Driver: S.O.F.I.M.
T.rain Conductor: Blog
T.rain First Brakeman: Parents
T.rain Second Brakeman: Society

SelfXpress-1

The Dream of an Owl

She has found herself in a natural terrace of red rocks filled with salty sea up to her bare wrists, and a dark forest lo-behind. She couldn't understand which season was it, nor what time of the day it was, the wind was lukewarm, so was the water, but it was dark as winter. Saw the empty houses on the natural balconies of the rocky hills on her left. Empty villas, "all so strange" she found. With noway around. She climbed with bare pale white feet turning into pink and bloody. It was her hair wet, stiff and dark, and like a beautiful strong black tale of a whale. Climbed with all her power. She ended up in more darkness, inside a villa's walls. Light was hardly filling inside, cold-o and pale as it reflects from the ocean. As soon as she entered the house, someone murmured once. A solely soul, almost sleepy on a couch, a half naked boy, seemed like waiting for her. She, then understood no more of all, but taken of her clothes in the hall. She stood up infront of the boy, naked, brown tanned skin of her slowly approached with full invitiveness, both opened up like hell lillies in the blind darkness. Taste of a nappy, cut-sleep has flown through mouth to mouth, she tasted it and accepted it as a gift, like each of those moments of that moment in that mourning hour. She looked through the window, glass, framed the garden at one glance which was sitting outside in before-storm-calmness, dark fallen tall and winds have blown like a call, before the last storm on earth pondered deadly, fulled with god's thirst of ending it all, the whole, they wondered once more through their lonesome and united soul.