Translation

Today I have noticed that living away from nature has an important role in not getting out of a depression. This city does not end, i have travellen on all 3 directions as far asa i could, but it didnt end. I have seen other no-end cities but this one keeps on repeating itself, it is all the same where ever you go. Istanbul was not like that, all her pieces were different from each other. The only direction that city ends is the north, where we have got the Lake Erie coast. I ve been there once, it was boring, like the coast of Izmir where i hated it when i was there. But the lakes are most of the time more boring, when you go down to the coast you feel the boredom that blows from the lake, knowing that it is not endless like a sea, not opening to anywhere but instead surrounded by the land. Its not happy, all that water filling it, away from the rest of the water on earth, and it whispers its despair to you, painting your heart gray.

Only knowing that there is another world out of your chamber you feel squeezed in, is not enough, you have to feel it to recover. The nature helps you on that, she is so strong and owerful and big that if you can feel that you are a part of it and she will exist forever even if you dont, that gives you the poer to stand up, and stand against. Actually the nature is spread out into the city but it is so weak under human control, you cant feel its power, you have to see it where it is free.

I feel like i can not hit that refresh button in me, or hit it but face with a message saying i am not connected to the infinity. I am trying to open a door out of my chamber, maybe i should start to watch TV again, or read a book and try to hear the voice of someone from the outter world.

Sometimes i even dont feel excited at all, even i know that the project i am working on with my friend has got the power of changing the world (and making us rich maybe:) i hardly get excited about it. Though it is one of the few things that keeps me standing on not my feet but knees at least. I have already diagnosed my ilness, phsycological hemophile, once i ve got injured even the wound is as tiny as a pin wound, it doesnt stop bleeding, it becomes fatal for me. Even the weakest wind pushes me off the rope i walk on. Maybe i should learn not looking down into the ground, if it is not too late to learn that.