What an Awful Name for a City

It has been ages since i saw happy people. Maybe i am blinded. I see laughter, joy, or success. But i dont think i see any shiny happy people around. I see some people getting some satisfaction but again i dont think this is happiness. Trying to satisfy oneself is like going into a war, even the winners would loose. It is in some sense wrong at the begining. It is inevitable, i do accept, though. Since ego is like a rechargeable battery for a soul.

A few hours ago heading to cinematheque, i was at the bus, listening to the Tindersticks, passing through empty, deserted streets. The caterpillar's grab like a modern sculpture left on the pavement, behind an empty green field lied till the brick walls of an abondoned factory. Grey shade of February 6 pm was falling over all that. Maybe because of the unpleasant name they call it, or maybe it was because no one loved it really. Somehow she ended up in this transparent pale grey cover. Now, no one notices her unless fallen into it. "Watch out Cleveland."

Varmak

SIKILA SIKILA oturdugum gunlerde dusundum; kendi SIKINTIMIN gececegini biliyorum, su an degil ama yakin zamanda onu giderebilirim. ama su an hissetigim sekilde hissetmekten kurtulamayacak insanlar var, bu hisle omur boyu yasamak zorunda olanlar. kendiminkini yok edebilecegimi bilmeme ragmen, dunyadan bunu silemem. bu dusunceyle kendiminkini giderebilecek durumda olmam manasiz gozuktu gozume. o hep orada olduktan sonra. sanirim insan nasil dunyada kalici izler birakma ihtiyaci duyuyorsa, olume ragmen. ayni sekilde arkasinda birakacagi, cozumsuz kalacak seyleri dusunmek de aci verebiliyor zaman zaman.

my name means why*

my energy has been lowered, it started just after i came back from the library. i feel down. sunk to the bottom of a cold stream. but i ve figured it out this morning. why somenone keeps staying down eventhough nothing is different from a previous day passed with joy. it is like a baby fearing of collapsing again and stop trying to stand up and walk, for a while. you feel safe down there, suffering but safe. knowing how it hurts when knocked down, u dont wanna get up.

one more thing i have thought just after that is how my way of approaching to problems, i am an analyzer. (in a magazine test on personality that could be my category: You are an Analyzer) I ve noticed where the question "how" is a positive question meaning its direction is towards future, question "why" is pointing backwards, directed to past. in that sense it is a negative approach.

i need a smooth climb.

*my name means "why" in euskara.

Oglenustu

naapsam.. ne yazsam.. linux image'larini yazmak icin CDleri alirken dikkat etmemisim, 650lik almisim. simdi bos oturuyorum, internet baglanti sorunu SP2'den diye onu da uninstall ettim, simdi hic baglanmiyor. :) disarda hava soguk ama gunesli bugun. icerden yaz gelmis gibi duruyor, bol isik, sicak. yaz tatilleri hep boyleydi. isin gucun olmaz, okul yok. onca zamani hayatimdaki nasil bosa harcadigimi dusunup hayrete dusup, ayni sekilde devam ediyorum. gunesli bir oglenustu tatminsizlikle saliniyorum..

In the Tower of Strange Noise

Fog silenced the streets. Lights have sunk in its thickness. An electric full weather is set like a mind streching headache, all over the city. They have broken the pavement and dug a hole in afternoon. My way back home, i noticed a constant shrill noise, it didnt stop till now.and it keeps going. it comes from the treble end of the spectrum. i doubt if it comes from inside of my head. but it got louder when i was out at the street, now behind the glass it s heard but little weaker probably.

the guy next door had a nervous breakdown or something like that an hour ago, i m quiet familiar with that after almost 6 months. he had hit the walls with the head i suppose. he kicked the door, screamed, sweared and left the room. as far as i know he lives alone.

-the end (of a day)-